Conspiracy Theories
Every time we pass by the large garbage bin outside our apartment, there's a couch. It might be a couch sitting in the bin itself, or just happily sitting right next to the bin awaiting the garbage truck to send it to that big living room in the sky. It might be a couch that looks like mint toothpaste exploded all over it, or that hundreds of doilies gave their lives to make it, or that a cat had used all 9 lives carving it apart.
But the fact remains that every time the garbage bin is emptied (and it is emptied about twice a week, at least), a new couch suddenly if not magically appears to take the place of the last couch that got carted off.
I am admittedly perplexed about this. I know that we have roughly 45-48 individual apartments in our complex, and the residents of each apartment all have their own sets of furniture to use, abuse and inevitably discard.
This strill does not answer why, for the last 3 months, going on 4, there has been a new couch in the garbage bin every time the bin gets emptied. And this happens during weeks when people are
not moving in or out either. How is it that one apartment complex can have so many couches?
Are there couch breeders in the complex, and the "runts" of the litter are tossed aside? Is there some secret, midnight Furniture Fight Club that meets in our indoor parking lot every week, and pounds the literal stuffing out of each other? Is there a Jack The Furniture Ripper lurking in the neighbourhood, and the couches we see in the garbage are in fact his latest victims?
Or perhaps these couches are in fact alien beings who are spying on us...and as a result seeing a lot more than they bargained for, given how many asses sit down on a couch daily. Though this might have a connection with all the rampant rectal probing we hear so much about.
So what is the truth behind the mystery of all these castaway couches? The world may never know....
Today's Lesson: never lie about merchandise to a store employee who can call your bluff with a simple receipt. Idiots....
posted by Phillip at 8:20 PM
